By Michael D. Zito, Ph.D.
When I work with parents and children, this question often comes up. Parents usually fear that saying “no” to or disappointing their child will cause emotional harm or hurt their self-esteem. As long as your approach is not harsh or arbitrary, it won’t harm a child’s self-esteem. In fact, I would encourage you to see it as intentional parenting that can foster personal qualities and life skills in children. Self-esteem is developed through praise and rewards for achieving success and cannot be erased by being told “no” or by experiencing disappointment.
Here are some benefits of saying “no” and disappointing children.
- Disappointment Builds Resilience. They learn how to deal with real-world limits, which prepares them to learn how to adapt and find alternative ways.
- Emotional strength and problem-solving will be promoted.
- Helps them learn that there are limits, which fosters self-discipline.
- Promotes moral development by learning that actions have consequences.
- Facilitates emotional growth by assisting them to become more creative and work harder to earn what they want.
- Teaches emotional self-regulation and patience.
- Recognition that wanting something is not the same as earning it.
- It could bring them to ask how they can earn what they were denied access to.
- Encourages emotional expression
- Promotes coping skills
- Encourages respect since they realize parents are in charge of allocating access to what they want.
- Models good parenting for when children become parents themselves.
If you struggle to set limits with your children, you may need to examine your parenting philosophy. Should you be a friend to your children or be friendly? Should children have everything they want, or do they have to earn what they want access to? What life skills do you want to teach them? For every child that comes to see me, I spend significant time working with parents to guide them on these questions.
Michael D. Zito, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist (#3599) with offices in Warren and Morristown. He practices clinical and sport psychology with children through adults and can be reached at MichaelZitoPhD@yahoo.com Dr. Zito welcomes your questions and ideas for future articles.
