By Michael D. Zito, Ph.D.
The answer is Yes! According to research, childhood perfectionism increased by 33 % over the last 20 years. Perfectionism can increase the incidence of anxiety, depression, stress, low self-esteem, and social withdrawal. The fear of not achieving perfection can contribute to your child avoiding challenging situations that can teach life skills. For example, they might avoid trying something new (i.e., academically, socially, athletically, theatrically), which can limit their opportunity to work hard, challenge their perceived limits, and take the risk of not being successful.
Two common contributors, in my experience, are social media and parental behavior. Social media can promote unrealistic, “perfect” messaging and social comparison, which often lead to self-doubt, self-criticism, and feelings of “lesser than” others. Unrealistic parental messaging can contribute as well. Parents may set unrealistic academic and/or athletic expectations and “push” their children in that direction.
How can parents help children to mitigate perfectionism?
- Discuss the unrealistic social media messaging with your children.
- Shift the focus from perfection to progress by emphasizing the achievement of smaller goals toward a larger goal.
- Praise effort for the smaller steps towards a goal.
- Normalize mistakes as part of the learning process.
- Ask what they learned from the first attempt at a task.
- Teach flexible thinking (i.e., degrees of success) rather than all-or-nothing thinking.
- Find the positives in their first attempts at a new task.
- Teach them how to approach struggles intentionally, with a plan for partial successes toward a goal.
- Avoid harsh criticism, excessive pressure and comparison to others.
- Share how you show reasonable expectations and deal with frustration.
- Encourage them to try new things even when success is not guaranteed.
- Promote a “life is about learning” attitude.
- Help them identify their strengths and set a plan to improve their weaknesses.
- Emphasize a balanced approach to life that includes rest, exploring hobbies, and engaging in fun family activities.
- Seek the services of a Psychologist if any of the above-mentioned mental health issues are present.
Michael D. Zito, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist (#3599) with offices in Warren and Morristown. He practices clinical and sport psychology with children through adults and can be reached at MichaelZitoPhD@yahoo.com Dr. Zito welcomes your questions and ideas for future articles.
